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During my 19-odd years working in the music industry, I've collected (in my head) many jokes. I have favorites, like "How do you know when a drummer's at the door? When he knocks, he speeds up," and (one I wrote myself) "How many music industry executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to hold the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and forty on the guest list." But in thinking about them now, many seem dated. I think it's time for some new jokes reflecting today's music industry. So, I present:
Modern Music Industry Lightbulb Jokes
Q. How many major label executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One to hold the bulb and another to shoot him in the foot.
Q. How many filesharers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Technically just two, but the more there are the better it works.
Q. How many hardware manufacturers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Why is everyone still using light bulbs when we're promoting what we thought was a light bulb-killer?
Q. How many bloggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One to screw in the bulb, another to point out that he ripped off his technique from someone else, another to write about the "long tail" phenomenon of niche bulbs, another to write about the obsolecense of the old bulb distribution model, and others to submit links to Reddit, Digg, Slashdot and BoingBoing.
Q. How many consumers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None -- they'd like to, but they're stymied by incompatible screw-resistant bulb formats.
Q. How many indie musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. They used to need help, but now they can do it by themselves! Well, they will be able to soon. Mostly. Maybe.
Q. How many MySpace musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. BULLETIN: We're going to screw in a bulb!
BULLETIN: We're screwing in a bulb!
BULLETIN: We're still screwing in a bulb -- come watch!
BULLETIN: We just screwed in a bulb!
BULLETIN: Vote for us in the bulb-screwing contest!
BULLETIN: Read our friend's review of us screwing in a bulb!
BULLETIN: NEW PHOTOS of the bulb we just screwed in!
Q. How many songwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but she has to work for 9.1 cents a bulb, or less if it's subject to a controlled-screwing clause.
Q. How many music publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two in the U.S., you'll have to deal with our co-publishers for other countries, and of course you'll have to license the bulb separately.
Or: None, the Harry Fox Agency does that for them.
Q. How many DRM-creators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. It takes a well-staffed company several months to screw in the bulb, and one 16-year-old a couple of days to unscrew it.
Q. How many ASCAP or BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. They screw millions of bulbs every day, but somehow when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record of any activity.
Q. How many chart-makers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. I don't know, what does SoundScan say?
Q. How many content industry lobbyists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Some to argue that the bulb is a mechanical, others to argue that the screwing is a performance, others to argue that the socket-maker should pay a royalty per socket, others to join forces with socket-makers to draft interoperability guidelines, others to lobby for statutory protection from falling bulb prices, others to educate legislators on the harm to American business interests from unfair foreign bulb policies, and . . . oh, wait, no one's using light bulbs anymore.